I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
