just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
