I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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