I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We left the knife in your bed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
