I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
