your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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