I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
