I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
