oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
