I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
