You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
