Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
