did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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