my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
