last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
