Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
