If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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