she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
