Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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