hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
