I'm passing your future prison.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
