I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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