I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
