my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
