Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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