now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
