OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
