i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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