Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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