i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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