Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
