Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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