so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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