do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My vagina is officially offended.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
