i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
