heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
