I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
