Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
