why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
