im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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