Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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