Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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