enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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