I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
