My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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