call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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