remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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