I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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