The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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