if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
